The Chick-fil-A fast food chain announced it would be dropping its popular "Waffle Fries" because product too closely resembles a lesbian orgy

 

ATLANTA GA (AP) The Chick-fil-A fast food chain announced yesterday that it would be dropping its popular "Waffle Fries" from its menu and replacing them with a new fried potato product.

At a press conference, Chick-fil-A spokesman Ted Haggard explained the reasons for the menu change. "Notable televangelists such as Pat Robertson and Mike Huckabee, along with the two anti-equality political PACs, the National Organization for Marriage and the American Family... Association have requested that we remove "Waffle Fries" from our menu. They point out that current product too closely resembles a lesbian orgy."

"Chick-fil-A is grateful to these family oriented political organizations and politicians for bringing this to our attention. We agree that our Waffle Fries are actually tasty Pagan potato paste abominations depicting promiscuous sexual behavior among beautiful naked women. The Chick-fil-A corporation remains firmly opposed to beautiful naked women enjoying each other."
Haggard continued, "Because Waffle Fries are a threat to the very fabric of our society, they will immediately be replaced with our new crispy Jesus Fries, a new fried potato mixture formed in the shape of a cross. This new menu item will remind everyone that Jesus fried for their sins."

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Obama Backs Efforts to End Conversion Therapy

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Ted Cruz Replaces Daughter for Presidential Campaign Run 

Ten days after taking the stage at Liberty University with his family to announce his candidacy for president, Ted Cruz has announced he will replace his 5 year-old daughter Caroline for the duration of his campaign.

The announcement of the switch was made shortly after the Republican Senator appeared at a fundraiser with his new daughter, a pretty, effervescent girl named Maria Alejandra.

A statement issued by the Cruz read, in part: "The decision to give Maria Alejandra this opportunity represents the culmination of an antipragmatic-oriented deliberative process prioritizing demographic trafficability of our candidate's nuclear family unit, and in no way suggests a lack of affection for his birth daughter Caroline on the part of Senator Cruz."

Still, many are speculating that Caroline was relieved of her daughterly duties for her reluctance to smile in public and an inability to hit her marks during rallies. Others have pointed to an incident that occurred backstage at the Liberty announcement where cameramen caught her picking her nose.

"The truth is, Caroline is a sullen little frowny face, and she bums people out," political analyst Michael Berman remarked, "Senator Cruz still has a white daughter, and now also has a cute, bubbly Latina that could potentially serve him well in swing states like Florida and New Mexico."

In her first tweet on the campaign trail, Maria Alejandra wrote that she loves quesadillas, piñatas, and favors a flat tax system that would promote innovation and economic growth.